My old life

I have just arrived from Albany after a stop-over at Newark. Sat there for a few hours thinking about the events of the past few months - my conversations with Seena and all the could-have-beens.. I feel sad but then I sometimes think that this is the best that could have happenned.. who knows what it might have turned out to be like if she was actually interested in me.. maybe it was all wrong in the first place. But still, I want to meet her again..maybe in a month or two when things have cooled down. I don't want to get her back..I cannot take her back even if she does come back (and that is very unlikely) because I am sure she will regret the decision soon enough. But I want to meet her to show who I really am.. I want her to know that I was not fooling around with her...that I am not a loser.

Anyway, the flight arrived early..so I got a VTA to the Santa Clara Caltrain station.. but the next train was over an hour away at about 10:35pm, so I took a cab from the station to home. No one is here though..wonder where the boys have gone. they have cleaned up the place a bit.. wonder whats been happening.

Other things - I am convinced right now (yet again) that it is time for an overhaul of my behaviour. I need to gain more self confidence and concentrate on what I am good at.. Also, another thought that has crossed my mind is that God probably doesn't want me to get married.. I guess even that is for the best.

The things that I need to concentrate on:

Electronics - I will need to learn this from scratch and see how I can setup the clipport.
Voice - I have a good voice.. I want to learn a few songs and then develop on this voice..want to take to singing more seriously.
Work - I am going to improve my computer skills drastically.. I want to be untouchable like I used to be.

But the primary change will have to be in the personality itself - I will need to become far more confident than I am right now.. also, I will need to be more hardworking.. more consistent.. more sauve..I will need to change even my physical appearance. Whatever I do, I will need to do it exceedingly well.

posted by Prem @ 10:18 PM

Arrived last night from Boston. Never did look around Boston as planned. Achachan dropped us off at the South Station and we made it back to Albany by the Greyhound bus which is brought us here to Albany at 9:00 pm. Came home from Albany Downtown by Cab..I wanted to call up Seena.. but I decided to delay it by an hour.. in the meantime, I managed to eat something.. and then we chased flies around the place for a while.. there were about 5/6 flies in the house and we (Siby and I) swatted a few of them.

I called up Seena at about 10:25 in the night..It was as expected, she said that she didn't think this whole thing between us would work.. so I had guessed right. I told her it is alright. After the call, I went directly to bed.. I felt too depressed to do anything else.. thought about this for about an hour before the sleep finally set in... I am thankful for good sleep.. in the morning, the moment I woke up, I thought about this again.. I decided to send her a mail.. and I did. I explained that the person she met wasn't the real me... I am not the awkward, embarrassed, nervous person that she met. I ended the mail in a cheerful sort of way. I don't want her to feel bad.

<--Here is the mail -->
Dear Seena,

Been thinking a lot the past few days..Since we spoke
last night, I have had some more time to think and I
figured that I should write you a mail. I don't know
if you will be reading this mail anytime soon.

As much as I would like to say that I am glad to have
had the meeting, I can't. Because it isn't true. The
experience was quite painful to me and I guess it was
to you too.

The moment I saw you, Sini and Roshini and the
expression on your faces, I knew that it was over. I
was like - "What am I doing here?!..This is such a
mistake.".

Just to inform you - The person you met wasn't the
usual me - the person you met was someone who was
nervous, deeply embarrassed - someone who was trying
to cope with a sudden sense of sorrow. I was so
embarrassed to be in my own skin that I wished I was
invincible or something. Yes, I am not an out and out
extrovert, but I am normally a happy, cheerful sort.

From then on till about 5:45, we made some awkward
conversation in the cafe downstairs..to use up the
time..

Some thing slightly wierd happenned then - While we
were talking, I suddenly noticed the shirt/blouse that
you were wearing..it was my favourite colour and the
irony of it all was too much.

You are a beautiful person and I don't mean just your
looks - you are intelligent, smart and a good
christian..I understand that someone like you will
need someone who is good looking and I am definitely
not that person.

As for me - good looking is not how I can be
described. God has given me some special skills.. but
He chose not to make me good looking. He has his
reasons and those aren't immediately obvious to me
now. Come to think of it, I have never been conscious
about my looks - I knew that I wasn't exactly good
looking.. I thought I was average looking...maybe I am
a geek after all.

Thankfully my sister hasn't mentioned anything about
this meeting - not a word. I guess she realized that
all was not well.. maybe she can read me better than I
thought.

Anyway, thats something else.

I wish you well. Hey, don't just stop communicating
with me now! I am around..give me a call/mail
sometime.

Take care,
Prem

<--Till here --->

I will be leaving from here in another 20 minutes or so to the Albany Airport.. I am taking the 1:50pm flight via Newark to San Jose.

posted by Prem @ 7:47 AM

I got to Albany as planned on the Thursday night.. I missed my connecting flight from Newark to Albany which took off on time at 4:20PM..My flight from San Jose was delayed due to fog.. and hence the delay in getting to Newark. I stayed in Newark for the next 3 or so hours for my next flight to Albany at about 8:25..that too I very nearly missed as I overslept in the waiting room.. but anyway, I finally did manage to make it to the flight on a separate bus that was arranged for us. There were two other people who had also arrived late at the gate and so I was not alone in being late.. if thats any consolation.

From Albany, we came to New York by road..Santosh achachan made it to Albany on Friday night and from there we came to New York on Saturday. I called up Seena in the morning to fix up plans for a meeting.. the meeting took a lot of arranging..There was a lot of confusion and everyone had different plans.. and so when I finally did manage to meet Seena, it happenned at about 4'o clock and the meeting was very brief.

What did I think? I think she is beautiful. perhaps too beautiful for me.. I guess she must have been disappointed with what she saw. She came with her sister Sini and her friend Roshini.. I guess all of them were disappointed.. but hey, I cannot help it. I told her that she is very beautiful and that I am totally mismatched with her...We sat for a while in a cafeteria on Jersey Garden state mall... I offerred to buy her a drink but she politely refused.. I think thats a bad sign.. I guess that she figured that as she was going to say no to me anyway, why waste my money as well. So I am not very hopeful that anything is going to happen between us.

I was depressed on the way to Boston from the Jersey Garden State mall - Santhosh achachan drove as usual.. I sat next to him and thought about the events on the day.. I was really sad.. I wondered about what to do.. how to tell Seena that it is alright for her to call all this off...I hope she doesn't.. but I guess I already love her and I don't want her to think that she is stuck with me.. I want her to be happy.

As for me - I will just need to get on with my life.. One thing is going to change though - never again will I get myself into one of these situations..

Anyway, I have been watching this video about Michael Jackson today.. it was very inspirational.. the guy made it up from nowhere.. I somehow can relate to Michael Jackson.. he has a talent and is so full of ideas.. at the same time, he is almost ashamed of being in his own skin. He made it big by getting over his fear and by working very hard and what he is good at.. I think I am going to be doing the same thing for a while atleast.

It is Monday now and I will need to leave from Boston to Albany by road..I am going with Priya and Siby on the Greyhound. Tomorrow afternoon I will be catching my flight back to San Jose. Once I get to San Jose, I am going to have a discussion with Seena.. find out what she wants to do..

One more thing will hopefully change from all this - I am going to be new man from now on.. Focussed, hardworking, unstoppable.

posted by Prem @ 12:06 PM